


Trust

by ARayOfAngst



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Character Study, First War with Voldemort, Gen, M/M, Marauders' Era, More angst, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2019-01-15 19:45:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12327603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ARayOfAngst/pseuds/ARayOfAngst
Summary: Sirius never trusted himself to do the right thing. From the beginning of his first year at Hogwarts to the end of the First War with Voldemort.All the Marauders are mentioned, but do not actually appear.





	Trust

Sirius Black did not trust easily. A lifetime of abuse from his family did not predispose him to trusting people. If those of his own flesh and blood could hurt him, he wasn’t going to believe that people not biologically bound to him wouldn’t either. Most of all he didn’t trust himself. He didn’t trust himself to not hurt those he loved.

At 11 years of age, he entered a train compartment with three other boys in it, and didn’t trust himself to say the right things to get them to like him. So he didn’t talk at all. Pureblood snobbishness the easiest armour against friendly questions and kind interest.

He didn’t trust the Sorting Hat to have made the right decision, as a Howler the morning after his Sorting announced his disgrace to the whole school. He didn’t trust himself to keep his composure, so he pretended to be asleep while his roommates stayed up the first night eating candy and getting to know each other.

He didn’t trust Remus when he told them that his mother was really ill so he had to go visit her every few weeks. He didn’t trust himself to not react badly in front of Remus when James confronted him about his furry problem. So he kept his face down and his mother’s voice played on in his head like a scratchy gramophone about how all half breeds are monsters and vicious creatures that lie and ensnare.

He didn’t trust any of the myriad girls who batted their eyelashes at him and told him that he was perfect and everything they ever wanted. He didn’t trust himself not to lash out and tell them exactly what he thought of them, and out himself to the whole school in the process,. Just another way in which he had disappointed his parents.

He didn’t trust James when he said that it was alright to hate his family, and acknowledge that they were wrong about him being a worthless waste of space, and pretty much everything else. How could everything he had ever known about the world be wrong? Yet here were his mates, living proof that his family’s beliefs were dark, bigoted and hateful. He didn’t trust himself not to break down, or leave his brother with their psychopathic parents and run away every time he went home. 

He didn’t trust Severus Snape to not follow him on the night of the full moon just because he couldn’t keep his greasy nose out of things that weren’t his business. He did not trust himself to not curse the boy into oblivion when he found him slinking around the entrance hall after curfew during the full waiting to taunt him. So he clenched his fists until his nails made his palms bleed, disengaging his mouth from his brain, and told the boy the first thing that would get rid of him. His primary thought being that he would be sent to Azkaban if he used the Cruciatus.

He didn’t trust that Remus had forgiven him after four months of uneasy side stepping and constant tension between the group. He didn’t trust himself to not kiss Remus full on the mouth when he uttered the words of redemption. So, he just put his hands in his pockets and dug out some chocolate for them to share, so that his mouth would be busy.

He didn’t trust Peter when the boy said that he had lost the Map to Filch while sneaking around with a girl. But, he didn’t trust himself not to say something snide and hurtful about the fresh pudding stains on his shirt and how he’d never find a girl if he didn’t watch his weight, so he just kept quiet and continued staring at his motorcycle magazine.

He didn’t trust his luck when Remus agreed to live with him, and kissed him unexpectedly while drunk after they had come back home from James’s reception. He didn’t trust himself not to ruin a good thing, so he let Remus take every step of their relationship forward no matter how slow or hesitant, when all he wanted was to declare his love for the beautiful, broken boy from the highest rooftop in London.

He didn’t trust that Dumbledore knew what would be best for all of them in the war. He was a commander who shuffled them around like pawns on a chess board. Sirius couldn’t trust himself to hold his position in a raid while any of his friends were in danger, he just wasn’t a good soldier. So he worked alone and spied on the other side through his family’s dark connections. Once a Black always a Black, no matter what side you’re on.

He didn’t trust Remus when he told him that he couldn’t tell him about his missions because they were top secret and were under Dumbledore’s orders. It sounded too much like his evasions in first year. Remus was far too good of a liar for Sirius to easily deduce the truth and there was a leak in the Order. If it wasn’t him, with his close connections to the Dark, it had to be Remus with his tainted blood. He didn’t trust himself to not tell his love, now ex- lover, everything if he were to but just ask.

He didn’t trust himself to be the Secret Keeper, with his own tainted blood running through his veins. 

He trusted Peter.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first published work, so do go easy on me.  
> Hope i did this some amount of justice. I truly am sorry about the angst, but how can any Marauder character study be complete otherwise. Constructive criticism is always nice. Any errors that i may have made are purely my own. Forgive the self indulgent writing style.  
> Also published on my tumblr hp account - https://www.tumblr.com/blog/marauderingandmayhem


End file.
